Administration

Since younger, I have been curious to know how I came about. Mum always seemed to be busy whenever I tried asking her The Big Question. Or was she?

After continous hours of persistance, she ended her misery with the following response:

“On a beautiful morning, your Dad and I heard some noise at the back of the house. We thought the neighbors were having a loud “discussion” on whose chickens were pangsai-ing all over their backyard.

The commotion went on for more than an hour; we can’t tahan anymore. So we decided to check and see what the fusses were about. Wah, then ah… to our surprise we found a little baby in the sampah tang, all dressed up in cute little baby clothes. Waking up the neighbors with his insanely deafening tua-tua-sia cries. We even saw some frustrated neighbors taking a peek through their windows, getting ready to bring a rotan out.

We didn’t know what to do then. Malu-lah, you know. So loud somemore! To avoid further embarrassment, we faster picked him up from the sampah tang and brought him home.

So we take care of him-lah. And later named him Darryl-lor.”

Surprisingly I bought her answer. It was the most satisfying response a six-year old kid could ever ask for.

Until I was 14. In a classroom. With no teachers.

Four years. As I sat back and thought about the achievements I have made in Australia so far… well, that’s another story.

Four years ago: the first time Darryl stepped into a kitchen to cook a proper meal. Not Maggi noodles, you nitwit! It was just a few days before boarding my first MH-134 flight to Brisbane. Mum cornered me and made me take up a course on Mum’s Basic Cooking 101.

Every experienced chef would liberally say this: “before you grab on to a frying pan, learn how to use a knife”. Personally, I find it’s just a lame excuse to boss their apprentices around - a sin I’m guilty of now.

I was treated exactly like an apprentice. Mercilessly by my own mother.

My first official kitchen task: peeling onions. How difficult was that? It sure beats peeling an orange. Or so I thought.

I was subjected to peeling about six onions in the kitchen. Mum was observing from the back to make sure everything was okay.

Darryl: Hey mum. I heard people cry when they peel onions. Is that true?
Mum: No-lah. Where got?
Darryl: You sure-boh?
Mum: Of course-lah! Bluff you for what?

After succeeding my third onion, my eyes felt weird. They were gradually succumbing to the pain, which soon led to a sudden excruciating pain. The Ego convinced me that pain was my friend.

The amateur Darryl then reached for his fingers and started rubbing his pitiful pair of teary-eyes, and soon realized it was the worst mistake he has ever committed so far. Aaarrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Mum: What happened?
Darryl: Nothing.
Mum: Aiyor! Crying-ah?

I could still remember that wide grin freshly painted on her face.

Mum’s just mean.

I dig ugly chicks. What can I say… any chicks with teeth who doesn’t wear panties turn me on.

*slaps forehead*

My taste in women has never been perfect. The girls I hoped for in every beauty pageants would end up in the bottom 100. On good days - they’ll be at the top 90. At 89.

The Best Bud crashed over my place last weekend after a night of search rally in USJ Taipan for the most expensive mamak food. Damn it, when will Canai ‘n Such realize that it’s a crime not to serve maggi goreng at their Taipan outlet?

The Best Bud: Where’s your big stash of porn collection?
Darryl: Australia, dude.
The Best Bud: (sarcastically) Yea, two months of celibacy. Good call.
Darryl: I have backup, man.
The Best Bud: (in manly tone) Put it on.
Darryl: Like now?
The Best Bud: The day you stop producing sperm. Of course now, you dumb fuck!
Darryl: Watching porn with a dude ain’t cool, man.
The Best Bud: Why? Little Johnny’s too shy to come out and play?
Darryl: I hope you didn’t mean what I think I just heard in my head.
The Best Bud: Chill. I just want to see if your taste has dropped significantly or not.
Darryl: (relieved) Thank you for clearing that up.

As a fan of Naughty America’s My Sister’s Hot Friend series, I decided to browse him through my collection with Breeanna, Daisy Dukes, Dani Woodward, Jamie Huxley, Naudia and Nikita Loren. It’s just so happens that I have a collection of Sunrise Adams (whom I just realized is of Irish* descent) at my disposal, which I proudly displayed to him.

* Any girls of mixed Irish descent are the hottest people in the planet. Think Mischa.

The Best Bud: What the fuck, man? What the hell are these?
Darryl: Er… simple straight porn. What… you into gay shit now?
The Best Bud: I’m disappointed in you, man.
Darryl: What?!
The Best Bud: Your taste has downgraded to an outcry since the last time I borrowed great stuff from you.
Darryl: What?!
The Best Bud: You know what? I’m not gonna ask any porn from you ever again. Ever.
Darryl: (speechless)
The Best Bud: Wait. That includes girls. I don’t want no girls, no porn, from you ever. EVER.
Darryl: (speechless)
The Best Bud: Dude, you can give a man any reason to be gay - by showing him your porn, if that’s what you call it.
Darryl: (hangs head in shame)

Lately I have been having this great liking for white girls (thanks to the numerous guidance by The Player). Every time I think of hooking up with one, there’s that voice at the back of my head.

A Beloved Family Member: When you’re down in Australia, remember this: No black. No white.

Maybe some day the voice will fade away.

Until then for the rest of this year, I’m gonna bury myself under the blanket because Katarzyna Borowicz of Poland should have won Miss Earth 2005. Oh well, Alexandra Braun (Venezuela) wasn’t too bad either.

  
(L-R) Katarzyna Borowicz (Miss Air 2005), Alexandra Braun (Miss Earth 2005)

Or have I just lost it again?

Great. I’m doomed to like ugly chicks.